tricolor

sometimes, you have to revisit something you hate to truly understand why you don't like it.

i think i talk about my repressed memories a lot, and that is because i have, well, a lot of them. i feel as though i never identified with the female experience because i never quite developed in that way that seems to resonate with others who strongly associate with it (whatever "it" is). i aspired to ideas of masculinity, strength and power, but really fell short when it came to. i think i wanted someone like batman to come save me, but didn't understand how to become my own batman. i was like a bootleg batman held by the whims of whatever unfortunate soul happened upon me.

however, this does mean that i got to experience a wealth of different things over time. sometimes i kind of think of it like being born again, and again, and again. this fits very well into my christian background as well, coming to the front of the church at least 4 different times just to be "born again", wiped clean, seen as something to celebrate and support. sum it up however you want, i think it contains multitudes.. but at the end of the day, there was a black hole constantly being fed.

this is kind of the thesis behind my first vn, as it stands. i keep having to reign myself in and not get too ambitious that i become intimidated by my own idea. it feels like every 2-3 months i bounce projects, having ideas for how one can influence the other. all of my ocs get shaken around and played with like dolls, but for the first time, i have to think super fucking hard about everyone's individual arcs. it's caused me to revisit a lot of media i once idolized with a new and more critical eye. i'm still uncomfortable with discomfort, but i'm taking steps to make it easier. telling my brain that every little noise does not actually have to be a predator, but prey.

i hope someone will enjoy it, but most of all, i am having fun making it. i have a lot of ideas, and need to work hard to make them come through... i feel like a charcoal train at times. but well, maybe that's just the way.

i started this blog because i had made some friends who were very into substack and whatever that fancy movie review site is. i thought about substack, but it kinda intimidated me. and i never actually used dw back in the day. as mentioned before, my hub was xanga, and it served me pretty well until i moved on to myspace, etc. but i always wonder, if i hadnt followed my rp friends to those sites, would i have kept such good contact with my school friends?

things have been falling more into perspective lately. instead of reaching and jumping and slipping and eventually giving up from the exhaustion, i feel my body stretching and grasping old things in new ways. it hurts. but it's growing pains. it will pass.

for the ones i've hurt before, i move forward. i'm sorry i couldn't treat you better. all i can do is keep going. like the ache in my skull, and the soreness of my muscles. the tension dissipates, and i see the light shine through. i'm so afraid. i'm also so hopeful.

there is a lot of power in a reflection, in many forms of the word.

the project i'm working on right now is sort of centered around that. i think it's funny, because upon realizing the thematic line through it all, my mind instantly thought of the song "reflection" from the animated mulan movie that hovered over my existence throughout my childhood. both a representation of me that people could connect me to, but also not, i think that film was the true beginning of my identity crisis, right before always being assigned brenda song's roles in any DCOS.

or it could have been when we were all picking sailor scouts to be on the playground, and i had no preference, because i hadn't watched much of it (too preoccupied with hamtaro and gundam, only indulging in sailor moon because everyone else was into it but i was too afraid of being snitched on and ruining my good reputation with the teachers, who looked down upon sailor moon for a myriad of ridiculous reasons.) (this is where we flash cut to me getting in trouble for wailing on a kid for a reason i do not fully remember. but he asked me out to homecoming a few years later, so it must not have been that bad?)

or it could have been on a long family road trip, when my sister said i couldn't have the same favorite color as her, so i had to pick something else.

maybe they're all unrelated occurrences. what's for sure is that i've felt a lack of vietnamese presence in my life for a long time. there's some part of my brain that remembers a lot of it, and especially comes out when i'm drunk, but i distinctly remember sitting in front of the tv watching unentertaining videos of the vietnamese alphabet and being bored out of my mind. my parents were too busy to teach me, but they wanted to have a deeper connection with me by quite literally speaking the same language. eventually, it became a lost cause, and as my mother sternly discouraged me from bringing my favorite noodle dish to school for lunch because "the fish sauce was too smelly" and she was afraid i'd get bullied (i didn't care really, i just wanted to eat something delicious for lunch), i became disinterested in maintaining my vietnamese heritage. i met other vietnamese american folk of plenty of different backgrounds, but there wasn't much accessibility for a kid my age at the time. especially one as shy and anxious as me.

now, as an adult trying to make peace with the chaos of life, i'm actively learning a lot about the history of these places i've always known but never quite understood. recontextualizing symbols and rituals i was interested in but had no personal stake. the complicated web of my heritage has been so commonly flattened, and i was living completely unaware of it. even after traveling there myself, i was blind to the richness of vietnam's people, and what happened when my family ended up here.

it's pretty painful. it's heavy. but it also satisfied something in me that i didn't know could be filled. it's exciting.

the future is so uncertain. everything connects us, until it doesn't. what will you do until then? that is the question.

edit: LMAO upon rereading my last post i realized i also talked about reflection. the difference now is that i'm unemployed and scrambling to find a new job while also discovering a past that always existed but i never explored. how crazy is that?! anyway. i'm also medicated now so there's that

 another month flies by. but this time, things are looking up scoob!

i don't have much in summation to say. other than i'm patting myself on the back for finishing inktober. a whole 31 days!! AND i had a friend visit in the middle of it and kept up with it! anything is possible if you believe!!!! i got to see my favorite band live!! and i have been crying just about once a week because the world is fucking insane!!!

two months left to finish my goals for the year. i'm making this post just to acknowledge that i was productive someway somehow and then will maybe make another one when i feel more compelled to write

jumping off of my last post (which you are not obligated to read but has a little context of what brought me back to this state), i ended up cracking open the old dating app again. while dusting off, i noticed one of the q&as on my profile that read "what is your personal hell?" and i answered "monetizing my hobbies". it reminded me of a thinkpiece i read about commodifying personal struggles in an attempt to feel relatable

( excuse me while i talk myself around in circles )

 it has occurred to me that i made this blog with the intention of tracking my creative endeavors, and i have done exactly not that.

maybe some of my rants could be considered so, but if it needs to be parsed from a big blob of rambling, i don't think that's very useful..

i don't really know where to start, so i'll simply dive headfirst and figure it out as i go, as one does. i'm sorting them by hashtags because i think it's funny.

#goal: finish by 2024
- ocean spirit ragdoll
- office vn
- goldcaesar compilation
- goldcaesar 30 drabbles

#goal: would be nice if done by 2024
- life is strange 2 BB playthru (thxgiving break?)
- ghost facxt chapter 1 first draft

( now for more focused rambling... )

 i have spent the last month in a flurry.

( restlessness can be soothed with writing, right? )

 i don't have big plans for this. as i ramp up into my 30s, chugging along with all of the tears i've shed in therapy, i realize i long for somewhere to muse, to wonder, to gather my thoughts outside of an emotional journaling session. there's just a different energy that goes into blogging.
as for an intro? i'm just an invertebrate (of the nudibranch variety) cruising the ocean of life, stopping by on some coral for shelter and to watch. i have grown up very critical over nothing, defensive in the face of love, and distant while craving closeness. i write and draw fanworks, but have always had an interest in original stories and character design. i may share some OCs and story ideas i have for them, since in the past i've been hesitant to share on social media as it feels like anything i post becomes lost to time almost as soon as it goes up.

so if you're interested in what i have to say, whether genuinely or ironically, please, feel free to tune in!