the nature of creation
May. 25th, 2023 11:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chebamauthere's some kind of weird bug in my brain that always sneers when i read an analysis i had deemed obvious.
(i am currently fighting this bug into submission, rest assured)
spoilers for idolish7 third beat below the cut!
it's such a strange concept for me, when i am so charged and excited by seeing what other people have to say about something. and i think part of me is just jealous that i didn't say it first... and i didn't say it first because i was afraid. i didn't want to be wrong, didn't want to use the wrong words in the moment that could be taken out of context. it's that goddamn desire to not be misunderstood!! even though i know that there is no way i will be understood right off the bat, everything within me feels like it's clawing to try and protect myself from it. i have to throw treats in its mouth every so often when i simply can't contain it.
and imagine its surprise when we are safe at the end of it all. monsters in fact did not jump out and beat me to death for misspeaking once.
i think part of it has been amplified by the internet, in the age of callouts and receipts, but i've always had this inclination. i think it's why i've found such solace in creation.. what i'm not confident enough to describe in my own words, i can present and allow others to observe and draw their own conclusions.
which brings me to That Scene in idolish7, the one with comments under it that ask "why is he choking him??" and "what happened between these two??"
something that really sucked me into i7 was its ability to weave paths through and around each other so seamlessly, all while serving a larger commentary on what being human is like, and how that looks when you thrust someone into the public eye, especially on the level of an idol in japan and all of the structural and societal complications that come with it. every vague and cryptic line uttered adds another layer to their experiences and brings them back around to a singular, hopeful purpose--to shine brightly with others and for others in a way that is so uniquely you. i think yamato's arc was very impactful because of how deep his feelings of resentment were and how it influenced all of his actions.. up until he started to genuinely believe in the new community he had found, and the conflict that the group's rising fame brought for him
for a long time, he still wasn't being completely himself. in the early seasons (i have read the game story but first experienced and rewatched the anime many more times so that's how i'll reference it) you can really watch how this secret builds and builds inside of him, behind the drunken old man behavior. he's the leader, the oldest, provides support where needed and is highly observant of his peers and steps in to provide his input when others are afraid to speak up. he takes this role easily... because it doesn't involve sharing anything personal about himself at all. he reacts at any mentions of his father, his feelings of abandonment and distrust surging every time someone hails his acting abiliy. to us, the viewer, it's easy to see various industry specialists pulling him aside to chat him up, compare him to chiba, but yamato hides it all from his supposed friends because he's afraid of how it'll affect their relationship. (one could also argue that perhaps the drunken, detached paternal role is something he settled into because of chiba as well, but that's another post)
he had something happy, once. he had something he cared about and treasured.. and it was ripped away from him, without a word of acknowledgement for his feelings about it. he had to find out on tv. and he carried all of that with him, tried to figure out his feelings on it, alone, for years.
on my first watch, i hated yamato. it's part of why i still feel so violently about him now. i was projecting hardcore - i couldn't stand every subtle hint that there was something deeper inside of him that he was hiding and refused to share. "just tell them!!" i begged. "you're in a rainbow singing and dancing group with 6 other dudes, you can tell them!!" i knew it was for the purpose of the story, but it drove me mad watching him pretend he was fine, giving others advice and life tips, when he so clearly was held together with washi tape.
but on another level, i understood. things of the past can feel irrelevant now, and there's a temptation to just let it sit in the past and fester instead of dredging it back up again. what is the line, after all, between sharing something personal because you want people you care about to be aware, and just being an annoying downer who brings all of your personal issues into your friends' problems?
when it came to a peak in the first half of third beat, i finally felt sweet release with that shaky final line, "please be kind to me." because at the end of it all, he was simply hurt and didn't know how to cope with it. he couldn't find it within himself to say "it's okay, they lied to you and it hurts, and it changed the way you view everyone around you and affects the way they see you, and that's scary", and he had no way of knowing anyone else could share the same sentiment for him.
to me it sits differently than the obvious parallel yuki, who felt the need to be seen through his art, versus yamato, who could only be seen through his art. the distance that is intentional both ways, but can be both liberating and suffocating. yuki learned to use his art as a form of expression, but yamato used it to create a barrier. (now, whether or not yuki understands this nuance, i'm not sure. i like to believe he didn't mean to rile up yamato That hard but also, like. who knows with yuki)
this concept being portrayed over the course of those few episodes (from r:v origins to ymt staying at yuki's) really stuck with me. what does it mean, to create art? what does it really mean to take one's own individual experiences, one's perception of the world, and share that with others with your own vision? this kind of thing has haunted me for years. i've never truly sat down and set goals for my art - the most i had done was drawing prints to sell in artist alley, scrambled ideas thrown together before a print deadline to desperately peddle over one weekend before i had to begrudgingly take them home. i've had mixed amounts of success, but never made something i truly felt spoke from my heart. i had a lot of ideas, a lot of technical know-how i picked up from classes and artists i followed over the years, but it all felt incredibly shallow.
i was simply making things to show to others, to say "hey, look at this nice thing i did!" because despite who i was, whatever i had done, i could point to my art and say, "but look! i made this cool thing!" it makes me want to pull my hair out. it feels like i've wasted time. but.. the best time to plant a tree may have been yesterday, but the second best time is today.
and so, as yamato had to learn to be vulnerable in tandem with his art, to drop the pretenses and fully lay himself bare, i must gather my bearings and follow suit. because it may be hard, it may be scary, and i will cry, but the ability to and act of sharing is indeed worth it in the end.
(i am currently fighting this bug into submission, rest assured)
spoilers for idolish7 third beat below the cut!
it's such a strange concept for me, when i am so charged and excited by seeing what other people have to say about something. and i think part of me is just jealous that i didn't say it first... and i didn't say it first because i was afraid. i didn't want to be wrong, didn't want to use the wrong words in the moment that could be taken out of context. it's that goddamn desire to not be misunderstood!! even though i know that there is no way i will be understood right off the bat, everything within me feels like it's clawing to try and protect myself from it. i have to throw treats in its mouth every so often when i simply can't contain it.
and imagine its surprise when we are safe at the end of it all. monsters in fact did not jump out and beat me to death for misspeaking once.
i think part of it has been amplified by the internet, in the age of callouts and receipts, but i've always had this inclination. i think it's why i've found such solace in creation.. what i'm not confident enough to describe in my own words, i can present and allow others to observe and draw their own conclusions.
which brings me to That Scene in idolish7, the one with comments under it that ask "why is he choking him??" and "what happened between these two??"
something that really sucked me into i7 was its ability to weave paths through and around each other so seamlessly, all while serving a larger commentary on what being human is like, and how that looks when you thrust someone into the public eye, especially on the level of an idol in japan and all of the structural and societal complications that come with it. every vague and cryptic line uttered adds another layer to their experiences and brings them back around to a singular, hopeful purpose--to shine brightly with others and for others in a way that is so uniquely you. i think yamato's arc was very impactful because of how deep his feelings of resentment were and how it influenced all of his actions.. up until he started to genuinely believe in the new community he had found, and the conflict that the group's rising fame brought for him
for a long time, he still wasn't being completely himself. in the early seasons (i have read the game story but first experienced and rewatched the anime many more times so that's how i'll reference it) you can really watch how this secret builds and builds inside of him, behind the drunken old man behavior. he's the leader, the oldest, provides support where needed and is highly observant of his peers and steps in to provide his input when others are afraid to speak up. he takes this role easily... because it doesn't involve sharing anything personal about himself at all. he reacts at any mentions of his father, his feelings of abandonment and distrust surging every time someone hails his acting abiliy. to us, the viewer, it's easy to see various industry specialists pulling him aside to chat him up, compare him to chiba, but yamato hides it all from his supposed friends because he's afraid of how it'll affect their relationship. (one could also argue that perhaps the drunken, detached paternal role is something he settled into because of chiba as well, but that's another post)
he had something happy, once. he had something he cared about and treasured.. and it was ripped away from him, without a word of acknowledgement for his feelings about it. he had to find out on tv. and he carried all of that with him, tried to figure out his feelings on it, alone, for years.
on my first watch, i hated yamato. it's part of why i still feel so violently about him now. i was projecting hardcore - i couldn't stand every subtle hint that there was something deeper inside of him that he was hiding and refused to share. "just tell them!!" i begged. "you're in a rainbow singing and dancing group with 6 other dudes, you can tell them!!" i knew it was for the purpose of the story, but it drove me mad watching him pretend he was fine, giving others advice and life tips, when he so clearly was held together with washi tape.
but on another level, i understood. things of the past can feel irrelevant now, and there's a temptation to just let it sit in the past and fester instead of dredging it back up again. what is the line, after all, between sharing something personal because you want people you care about to be aware, and just being an annoying downer who brings all of your personal issues into your friends' problems?
when it came to a peak in the first half of third beat, i finally felt sweet release with that shaky final line, "please be kind to me." because at the end of it all, he was simply hurt and didn't know how to cope with it. he couldn't find it within himself to say "it's okay, they lied to you and it hurts, and it changed the way you view everyone around you and affects the way they see you, and that's scary", and he had no way of knowing anyone else could share the same sentiment for him.
to me it sits differently than the obvious parallel yuki, who felt the need to be seen through his art, versus yamato, who could only be seen through his art. the distance that is intentional both ways, but can be both liberating and suffocating. yuki learned to use his art as a form of expression, but yamato used it to create a barrier. (now, whether or not yuki understands this nuance, i'm not sure. i like to believe he didn't mean to rile up yamato That hard but also, like. who knows with yuki)
this concept being portrayed over the course of those few episodes (from r:v origins to ymt staying at yuki's) really stuck with me. what does it mean, to create art? what does it really mean to take one's own individual experiences, one's perception of the world, and share that with others with your own vision? this kind of thing has haunted me for years. i've never truly sat down and set goals for my art - the most i had done was drawing prints to sell in artist alley, scrambled ideas thrown together before a print deadline to desperately peddle over one weekend before i had to begrudgingly take them home. i've had mixed amounts of success, but never made something i truly felt spoke from my heart. i had a lot of ideas, a lot of technical know-how i picked up from classes and artists i followed over the years, but it all felt incredibly shallow.
i was simply making things to show to others, to say "hey, look at this nice thing i did!" because despite who i was, whatever i had done, i could point to my art and say, "but look! i made this cool thing!" it makes me want to pull my hair out. it feels like i've wasted time. but.. the best time to plant a tree may have been yesterday, but the second best time is today.
and so, as yamato had to learn to be vulnerable in tandem with his art, to drop the pretenses and fully lay himself bare, i must gather my bearings and follow suit. because it may be hard, it may be scary, and i will cry, but the ability to and act of sharing is indeed worth it in the end.
