well, that was a ride.

so quickly, all of my resolve was swept away.

if i may speak to my love life for a moment: it's kind of a shitshow. with only one "real" relationship under my belt, i dabbled in the apps before moving out of my parents' place, with very little luck, then again after moving out in a couple of short bursts, but also again, with little luck. i've met up with plenty of people, felt out vibes, but never quite felt a spark. i'd given up on it for a time, honestly - was open to opportunities, but ultimately was resigned to floating around until i managed to meet someone. even toyed with being aromantic for a while.

and then i talked to her again.

someone with whom i'd felt the sparks with at a chance meeting months ago, and then had happened to reconnect. i took a chance. and then took another. but in the end, nothing feels as soul-crushing as a girl awkwardly shuffling about while she tells you she'd like to just be friends.

finally, i'd experienced being on the other side of it. i guess i understand why some people might not keep in touch after that. it hurts. it hurts a lot! and then comes the retrospection, the peeling apart of it all. from even before the initial attraction, and going deeper within myself. but for now, i will let myself be sad.

i've done the work before, and i can do it again. and again.

creativity

jumping off of my last post (which you are not obligated to read but has a little context of what brought me back to this state), i ended up cracking open the old dating app again. while dusting off, i noticed one of the q&as on my profile that read "what is your personal hell?" and i answered "monetizing my hobbies". it reminded me of a thinkpiece i read about commodifying personal struggles in an attempt to feel relatable

( excuse me while i talk myself around in circles )