what the actual hell is actualization and where can i get some?

there are a lot of things in my brain right now. i think going through tough times is, although frightening, sometimes the best way to learn. i've long opposed the notion of throwing people into the deep end and watching them learn how to swim. i still kind of do, but i understand the notion behind it a little better. and watching other people go through tough times.. comes with decision making.

these past few months have been depressing. even though i found someone to share my life with, the world around us is bleak. and i'm still trying to find myself in the midst of it. piles grow around my apartment, dust builds up, lists get longer. there are still so many things i want to do, but how many of them are actually achievable?

( some more ramblings, again )