reflection

there is a lot of power in a reflection, in many forms of the word.

the project i'm working on right now is sort of centered around that. i think it's funny, because upon realizing the thematic line through it all, my mind instantly thought of the song "reflection" from the animated mulan movie that hovered over my existence throughout my childhood. both a representation of me that people could connect me to, but also not, i think that film was the true beginning of my identity crisis, right before always being assigned brenda song's roles in any DCOS.

or it could have been when we were all picking sailor scouts to be on the playground, and i had no preference, because i hadn't watched much of it (too preoccupied with hamtaro and gundam, only indulging in sailor moon because everyone else was into it but i was too afraid of being snitched on and ruining my good reputation with the teachers, who looked down upon sailor moon for a myriad of ridiculous reasons.) (this is where we flash cut to me getting in trouble for wailing on a kid for a reason i do not fully remember. but he asked me out to homecoming a few years later, so it must not have been that bad?)

or it could have been on a long family road trip, when my sister said i couldn't have the same favorite color as her, so i had to pick something else.

maybe they're all unrelated occurrences. what's for sure is that i've felt a lack of vietnamese presence in my life for a long time. there's some part of my brain that remembers a lot of it, and especially comes out when i'm drunk, but i distinctly remember sitting in front of the tv watching unentertaining videos of the vietnamese alphabet and being bored out of my mind. my parents were too busy to teach me, but they wanted to have a deeper connection with me by quite literally speaking the same language. eventually, it became a lost cause, and as my mother sternly discouraged me from bringing my favorite noodle dish to school for lunch because "the fish sauce was too smelly" and she was afraid i'd get bullied (i didn't care really, i just wanted to eat something delicious for lunch), i became disinterested in maintaining my vietnamese heritage. i met other vietnamese american folk of plenty of different backgrounds, but there wasn't much accessibility for a kid my age at the time. especially one as shy and anxious as me.

now, as an adult trying to make peace with the chaos of life, i'm actively learning a lot about the history of these places i've always known but never quite understood. recontextualizing symbols and rituals i was interested in but had no personal stake. the complicated web of my heritage has been so commonly flattened, and i was living completely unaware of it. even after traveling there myself, i was blind to the richness of vietnam's people, and what happened when my family ended up here.

it's pretty painful. it's heavy. but it also satisfied something in me that i didn't know could be filled. it's exciting.

the future is so uncertain. everything connects us, until it doesn't. what will you do until then? that is the question.

edit: LMAO upon rereading my last post i realized i also talked about reflection. the difference now is that i'm unemployed and scrambling to find a new job while also discovering a past that always existed but i never explored. how crazy is that?! anyway. i'm also medicated now so there's that