it gets better, but it also doesn't

it makes me self conscious to admit my faults, because i feel far too aware of where they've originated from and how they could be interpreted. the twists and turns that words can take anyone down, the rise and fall of understanding feels like an endless road to be navigated. and, much like on the actual road, i am constantly gripping the steering wheel trying to keep things from going out of control.

even though, truthfully, i know that nothing is ever in control. admitting it is easy. fully embracing it is hard.

( what i learned in boating school is )

inspiration has many doors, ed boy

sometimes, you have to revisit something you hate to truly understand why you don't like it.

i think i talk about my repressed memories a lot, and that is because i have, well, a lot of them. i feel as though i never identified with the female experience because i never quite developed in that way that seems to resonate with others who strongly associate with it (whatever "it" is). i aspired to ideas of masculinity, strength and power, but really fell short when it came to. i think i wanted someone like batman to come save me, but didn't understand how to become my own batman. i was like a bootleg batman held by the whims of whatever unfortunate soul happened upon me.

however, this does mean that i got to experience a wealth of different things over time. sometimes i kind of think of it like being born again, and again, and again. this fits very well into my christian background as well, coming to the front of the church at least 4 different times just to be "born again", wiped clean, seen as something to celebrate and support. sum it up however you want, i think it contains multitudes.. but at the end of the day, there was a black hole constantly being fed.

this is kind of the thesis behind my first vn, as it stands. i keep having to reign myself in and not get too ambitious that i become intimidated by my own idea. it feels like every 2-3 months i bounce projects, having ideas for how one can influence the other. all of my ocs get shaken around and played with like dolls, but for the first time, i have to think super fucking hard about everyone's individual arcs. it's caused me to revisit a lot of media i once idolized with a new and more critical eye. i'm still uncomfortable with discomfort, but i'm taking steps to make it easier. telling my brain that every little noise does not actually have to be a predator, but prey.

i hope someone will enjoy it, but most of all, i am having fun making it. i have a lot of ideas, and need to work hard to make them come through... i feel like a charcoal train at times. but well, maybe that's just the way.